Did you know I was this guy?

SP's Guide To Chicago Street Fests aka How To Not Annoying Fellow Chicagoans!

Chicagoans live for Summer nights at street fests.  We have amazing neighborhoods and each has it's own unique thing to show off. I've put this handy guide together to help to make the fests more enjoyable for everyone.

1) 2 for $20 sunglasses are no deal. You'll spend $100 a summer. Buy a good pair every few years.  It's worth the investment!

2) Leave your dog at home if you can't carry it.  Big ass intimidating dogs that don't listen commonly get their leashes wrapped around people because their owners don't have the brains to realize that maybe they should have kept it at home. 

3) If you see a friend while your jammed into a crowd trying to walk don't stop walking to bullshit with them.  That's how the crowd got jammed up anyway. 

4) Girls-Hipster Guys if your purse- messenger bag won't fit in a airplane overhead leave it home. You need your cash, ID, sunscreen and cell phone for the day.

5) Yuppies wearing polos and dock shoes please don't ask someone like me for directions.  You'll never find your high fiving buddies ever again. Go back to Lakeview.

6) You'll never win the Camero..

7) Feed the Children, Greenpeace and Children International please don't call me buddy or try to shake my hand.  I'm not your buddy and you've shaken hands with 1000's of people.  Its annoying enough during the week.  I'm drinking more at a fest than I do in the loop...

8) Leave your little grab ass games that usually involve someone in your crew falling over until you leave the fest.

9) Don't buy more beer than you can carry or hold on to if you're standing still.  I got spilled on 3 times in a half hour this past weekend by a girl holding 2 beer cups in one hand.  

10) I've seen Footloose.. I know that people like to dance.  If you must dance at a fest think and look around for a moment. If you're taking up 8' around you and people are getting elbows in the face chill out a little bit.

11) Skaters/Roller-Blades/Bikers.. I saw a little girl get taken out today by some skate fucker that decided that while in a crowd of people he'd try a kickflip.  I didn't know anyone used roller-blades anymore.  Bikers.. Yea it's still your street but go around the fest.  Riding through it because you own the streets 24/7 is unsafe and makes me want to fill my Jeep up with gas more often.

A Clown Attack Revisited..

This event happened a few years ago but I came across it and laughed so hard that I thought I'd share it here.. I hope everyone enjoys my terror this event brought on.  I wrote this only a few moments after.

-OK I'm home safe and this deserves the whole story. I walked out of my apartment and started walking down Chicago Ave to the store because it's Saturday and I'm out of beer. Next thing I know I hear (excuse the pun) a bunch of clowning around behind me. I turn to look what's going on and I saw 4 clowns and a guy in a chicken costume. I was almost to my destination when I heard “let’s clown him!” Next thing I know I got splattered in the face with something. I touched my face and it was covered in white clown makeup. If that wasn’t bad enough I had an instant flashback to 2 things. #1 PENNYWISE! and #2 my Grandmother who after the movie decided it would be best for me to dress up as a clown the year after "It" came out to help me to overcome my issue with clowns. Without knowing what was happening I reached out and grabbed one of the clowns by the face (you don’t want to touch the clown suit ever.. I can only picture it being covered in clown jizz.) That was when the crazy stuff started. There was a shopping cart with clown gear tipped over, rubber chickens, balloons you name it everywhere. The worst thing is nobody was helping me! Everyone stood and watched as I was attacked by 4 clowns and guy in a chicken suit! I urge everyone in Chicago to help a stranger when being attacked by clowns! (The chicken suit thing is just weird!)

This was right after the event.  I was in shock!  You can still see where I was hit in the face with the paint.

This is when I got home and could actually see what the evil clowns had done to me. 

Ah the clown makeup.  Always remember when you find yourself in a fight with a clown reach for the face!

Movie Situations That Would NEVER Happen in Real Life!

Jerry Maguire.. OK lets face it if the estranged husband came waltzing into a room full of women during their divorce support group the first reaction would be to call the Police.. He would not have the opportunity to get through 2 seconds of his heart felt, off the cuff speech.. In fact I'm pretty sure that he wouldn't even get the "hello" out of his mouth. 

It would be nice to think that standing outside of your girls house dressed as a homeless person with a boom box playing the perfect song would win her back but lets face it everyone there is no way it would work.  Either the nosy neighbor would call the Police for the noise or for standing near their lawn, her Father would be inside jamming out to his juke box and never hear it, or she would be out and miss the gesture all together.

The space time continuum will not allow you to get in your Porsche and chase a bus down then get your girl to get off the bus to talk for a minute that she would #1 actually talk to you or #2 be impressed that you slept in your car waiting for her to return.  I'm thinking she never would get off the bus in the first place to chat.  Let's face it when you really get someone upset there is no talking to them in my experience.  I'm sure that's because when I get someone mad they're MAD.  I'm thinking Anne Hathaway's character would have jumped off the bus near her place and left him waiting for the bus to find her not on it. 

I would love to think that the ending of Serendipity could actually happen.  I don't want to make it seem like I'm bashing Cusack with this post either..  I would love to think it could happen because when I was 15 I met a awesome girl at Disney World while watching the Mickey parade.  We talked through the whole parade and made plans to meet the next day.  She never showed up the next day as planned and I was really heartbroken.  All I remember is that she was from Rhode Island.  Anyway that's all I have to say about this one.  Watch the movie.. No chance at finding the $5, Love in the Time of Cholera or finding each other on the skating rink..  

OK the movie is very entertaining but lets face it.. I don't think it was worth ruining The Office over Steve Carell.  I'll never forgive him for that.  How could Jacob have ab's like that?  He would look like ol' SP if he was hanging at the mall scarfing down Sabbaro's.  Has the "Lets get out of here" line ever worked in life?  I think not...  I'm thinking if I belted out asshole a ton of times in class my Mother wouldn't have laughed it off.  I would have had a bar of soap and a kick in the ass for dinner.  If the Police show up during a back yard brawl someone is going to jail.  I would think it would have been Kevin Bacon.  Imagine how the 7 Degrees of Kevin Bacon game would have gone crazy if he had gone to jail for the night.  The ending was kind of lame.  Cal got up and interrupted Robbie's speech.  I'm pretty sure they would have just given him the hook instead of his Father intervening and somehow getting his family back.  She Jerry Maguire for what really would have happened.