SP's Guide To Chicago Street Fests aka How To Not Annoying Fellow Chicagoans!

Chicagoans live for Summer nights at street fests.  We have amazing neighborhoods and each has it's own unique thing to show off. I've put this handy guide together to help to make the fests more enjoyable for everyone.

1) 2 for $20 sunglasses are no deal. You'll spend $100 a summer. Buy a good pair every few years.  It's worth the investment!

2) Leave your dog at home if you can't carry it.  Big ass intimidating dogs that don't listen commonly get their leashes wrapped around people because their owners don't have the brains to realize that maybe they should have kept it at home. 

3) If you see a friend while your jammed into a crowd trying to walk don't stop walking to bullshit with them.  That's how the crowd got jammed up anyway. 

4) Girls-Hipster Guys if your purse- messenger bag won't fit in a airplane overhead leave it home. You need your cash, ID, sunscreen and cell phone for the day.

5) Yuppies wearing polos and dock shoes please don't ask someone like me for directions.  You'll never find your high fiving buddies ever again. Go back to Lakeview.

6) You'll never win the Camero..

7) Feed the Children, Greenpeace and Children International please don't call me buddy or try to shake my hand.  I'm not your buddy and you've shaken hands with 1000's of people.  Its annoying enough during the week.  I'm drinking more at a fest than I do in the loop...

8) Leave your little grab ass games that usually involve someone in your crew falling over until you leave the fest.

9) Don't buy more beer than you can carry or hold on to if you're standing still.  I got spilled on 3 times in a half hour this past weekend by a girl holding 2 beer cups in one hand.  

10) I've seen Footloose.. I know that people like to dance.  If you must dance at a fest think and look around for a moment. If you're taking up 8' around you and people are getting elbows in the face chill out a little bit.

11) Skaters/Roller-Blades/Bikers.. I saw a little girl get taken out today by some skate fucker that decided that while in a crowd of people he'd try a kickflip.  I didn't know anyone used roller-blades anymore.  Bikers.. Yea it's still your street but go around the fest.  Riding through it because you own the streets 24/7 is unsafe and makes me want to fill my Jeep up with gas more often.

A Clown Attack Revisited..

This event happened a few years ago but I came across it and laughed so hard that I thought I'd share it here.. I hope everyone enjoys my terror this event brought on.  I wrote this only a few moments after.

-OK I'm home safe and this deserves the whole story. I walked out of my apartment and started walking down Chicago Ave to the store because it's Saturday and I'm out of beer. Next thing I know I hear (excuse the pun) a bunch of clowning around behind me. I turn to look what's going on and I saw 4 clowns and a guy in a chicken costume. I was almost to my destination when I heard “let’s clown him!” Next thing I know I got splattered in the face with something. I touched my face and it was covered in white clown makeup. If that wasn’t bad enough I had an instant flashback to 2 things. #1 PENNYWISE! and #2 my Grandmother who after the movie decided it would be best for me to dress up as a clown the year after "It" came out to help me to overcome my issue with clowns. Without knowing what was happening I reached out and grabbed one of the clowns by the face (you don’t want to touch the clown suit ever.. I can only picture it being covered in clown jizz.) That was when the crazy stuff started. There was a shopping cart with clown gear tipped over, rubber chickens, balloons you name it everywhere. The worst thing is nobody was helping me! Everyone stood and watched as I was attacked by 4 clowns and guy in a chicken suit! I urge everyone in Chicago to help a stranger when being attacked by clowns! (The chicken suit thing is just weird!)

This was right after the event.  I was in shock!  You can still see where I was hit in the face with the paint.

This is when I got home and could actually see what the evil clowns had done to me. 

Ah the clown makeup.  Always remember when you find yourself in a fight with a clown reach for the face!